Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Randomize
