i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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