Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
