i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
