I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
