wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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