Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I can't turn off my feet"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize