I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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