So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
