You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm really busy with my period
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