I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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