I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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