im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
