she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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