I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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