I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
