No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
