You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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