i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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