and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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