I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
