Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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