OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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