plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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