My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
