my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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