I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
