like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
