Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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