you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
