Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
