That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
