Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
