Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
a search helicopter?!
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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