first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
