get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize