Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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