I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Randomize
