Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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