someone get that fucking seahorse.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
