dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Randomize
