Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
