They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
