Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
