Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He passed out mid-signature
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
