My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
