I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
