I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
