Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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