Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I met the friendliest cop last night
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
