This is not my ceiling
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Randomize
