my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
