So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
