My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I did not marry a roomba.
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