oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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