Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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