apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
