Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
