i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My balls are so social today.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
