i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
