I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
